 It's been nearly 3 months since I updated this blog, and believe me, it's not for lack of planning. I've started so many articles, and have been brainstorming where this site is going, and how to effectively help everyone the best that I can. And then that great god-of-horses/life/etc... threw me a big old bitch slap. This site and this blog is about you. It's about us. It's about this crazy world that we are all involved. And it's about working through and planning and preventing, and all those things that we can do something about.  The bitch slap I received involved two of my favorite beings with heartbeats, and things that could not have been prevented.... and believe me, I've gone over it in my mind a gazillion times. I don't want to make this too much about grief, or recovery, or the gruesome details about what occurred in each incident, but what I do want to make it about the fact that sometimes their are factors that are 100% out of our control. Shit happens. Bad, terrible shit happens. And good shit happens. Although I was surprised to take home an empty trailer from the Vet School, Prophet's death was not entirely unexpected. He had be struggling for a couple months, and we'd been struggling to pinpoint what exactly was the cause. What we did not anticipate was that he had a cancerous tumor that was literally growing so fast that we were unable to track it on our bi-weekly images of his skull. With the help of the advanced equipment at the vet school, it was clear what the call was, and my beautiful, strong, first-husband, who had been trying to kill himself for all of the 14 years we had together, and gave me the absolute rides of my life, left this earth eating grass and receiving all the lovings. Cancer shit happens. And then, still reeling from not hearing my love's raspy nicker in the morning, a weird turn of events led me to working the morning shift at the barn where I witnessed one of those events that we, as horse lovers, hope to never experience. My beautiful Mimi simply took a wrong step in the field while celebrating her return to the stall for breakfast and shattered her cannon bone. The horse who I've galloped across the country, jumped some of the biggest jumps of my life, and had so much hope for the future simply took one misstep. No hole, no kick from another horse, no excitement, and no fanfare... Misstep shit happens. And I was crushed. Things inside me that I didn't even know existed inside me were crushed. And I'm going to be totally honest, there were a few hours that I was very unsure of how to continue on with things. Horses are my life.... how could they be so fragile? And then I left on vacation. On the plane ride, I thought about how many times I'd been on a horse and had it stumble, without broken bones being a result I thought about how many times Prophet had respiratory issues that weren't cancer, and he'd managed to carry me around so many years at the upper levels of eventing. I had a very adult conversation with my baby brother about over coming fear, and how to coach people through things that they think they can't do, or fears that they don't even realize are there. And then I fell down a mountain. Well, it was a minor fall - one of those step on a rock wrong with ankles that were already tired (although I still claim my brother pushed me, of course)... But as I got up, not sure whether I should keep laughing or maybe cry a little bit, I realized.... Shit really does just happen. We can prevent and plan to make sure we've covered all that is in our power. We can live scared, but that's not really living, now is it? But when shit does happen, we can help each other out. We can analyze. And we can grow. Move on. Learn. Accept. I said I didn't want to make this post about a pity party, and I don't... What I want it to be is a declaration that after 3 months of not hearing from me, I am going to be committed to being here, at the other end of the keyboard, as the leader of this tribe we are building so that we can all feel that prevention and planning and support is just a few typed words away when shit just happens.  Ever want to question your whole existence, and find some answers?.... I highly recommend a visit to this place. |
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